Milk: The Other Nectar of the Gods

To fulfill yesterday’s sort of promise, I want today to explore the utter coolness of milk. According to my taste, it is objectively the most delicious beverage and, in a pinch, can serve as a meal unto itself. Behold! A self-serve milk store, now no more a pinnacle of marketing and nutritional synergy rising from the landscape:


Clearly, the boy in the picture is near-rapture while he purchases the frothy goodness that is milk. I will also draw your attention to the sparkling strength and vigor of the “automatic milk man’s” pearly white–because, if look closely, the artist wisely gave the milk man one great and sturdy plate-tooth. Here, the artist chose the tooth as a  symbolic representation of the mental, spiritual, and physical unity a person experiences through milk consumption. 

Here, then, are 3 little-known facts assertions that will surely add to milk’s unheralded yet impressive legacy:

  1.  A huge glass of cold milk sipped slowly  but steadily will soothe a stomach that’s roiling in self-hatred due to the previous night’s binge drinking. My old roommate in college swore by this and had every single freakin’ morning to continue proving her theory (mildly sad, actually).

  2. If used correctly, milk promotes goodwill, kindness, and love. Imagine it: you, dragging your tired ass home from work, school, wherever, stressed already for the next day’s chores, and your neighbor takes you out for a milk. Not a milk-shake, not a root beer float, but a pint of milk at a cafe where you can watch the pasturization process through plate-glass windows. Like a microbrewery. A milkrobrewery.
  3. Milk is a natural and calcium-filled sleep-aid. Forget all those commercials about psychodelic butterflies that land on your head, guiding you to sleep-town provided you have eight hours to dedicate and don’t mind stomachaches, dry mouth, or nervousness. A warm mug of milk microwaved until the surface gets that funky film action, which you should scrape off, is the only sleeping aid that contains the nutrients you’ll need for the long haul. Plus, should you also have a glass in the morning, you’ll have a delightful symmetry of closing and opening days with milk. This sort of balance will help fortify you for the vagaries of life. For all the insecurities in our modern world, you will always have your healthy, delicious routine on which to lean when the world takes its steel-toe to your face, which won’t be broken because, as discussed earlier, you will have plate-tooth–a powerful defense and constant fount of confidence and grace in these our dreary days.

These are but three reasons why milk is cool. If you have more, I’d love to hear them. Tomorrow, or whenever, perhaps I’ll consider strategies for broadening its appeal, and the ways in which milk, promoted properly, could become the number one cold and warm beverage on earth. That, or I’ll talk about Nabakov’s Speak, Memory, The Detroit Pistons, or my recent run in with a very wretched person.

Live well, 



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